why is it that no matter what your novelty license plate says it always screams "im a huge tool"?
I just foul balled at work. I had taken off my coat too… had to go to the sink wash my hands then go back to the stall and pick up my coat. I hope the guy shitting in the stall next to me didn’t figure out what happened.
i guess i called my mom last night. she wasnt nearly as impressed with what we did in the bathroom as i was
In Canada she would be a 10 but here in America she's only a 7
If she asks the cat was vomiting before I fed it fried calamari
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
Just shook hands with the bud light truck driver, thanked him for his service to our country
if girls can go out in miniskirts and reveal their thongs, I should be able to wear a sheer dress with boyshorts with the word love bedazzled on my ass.
This is why you're my favorite.
Who wouldn't want a man who can knock a guy out but also loves the bachelor.
It's the best of both worlds
do you want to shower with me?
only if we can drink the jungle juice while we shower
When you licked the fourth stranger's cheek the bar tender pretty much ordered us to get you out.
We were both too drunk to drive home. So we did it in the coat closet and then I walked home. 20/20 hindsight: Could have both walked to my apartment and then had sex there.
She was going down on me before I had a chance to tell her I arrested her brother 3 hours earlier
sorry about your sharpie. alex wanted to shave the left side of his body so he had me draw a line over him with a ruler
Video on mandys page of you drinking upside down was finally put up...too bad all the comments were about me and him fighting in the background while he screamed "BLOW BIG BETSY!'
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