I was just making a list of the girls i have slept with and i can't remember your sisters name
I cut my penus on the lid.
Whoever said drinking more helps a hangover didn't drink 96% of a fifth of whiskey last night. This is absurd.
He adopted an old drug sniffing dog so that he won't lose his weed around the house anymore. It works.\n
he just texted me saying he needs a place to stay for the night. pretty sure i just got booty called to my own house...
and by clear my head i mean get drunk and cry myself into oblivion.
I'm gonna drop in for a zip later man. It made me wanna eat my girls shampoo. Good shit
the lesbians just got naked and went into the ocean... this never happened when i was a camper.
Someone left me hummas on my door step between the hours of 1am-3am
It is unclear if my flaming esophagus is hangover induced.
Everyone's going out for thirsty Thursday and I'm just like. Cool. Enjoy yourself. I'm gonna eat an entire pizza and watch King of Queens reruns.
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
It was the highest I'd ever been. I felt like a blob. A blob eating a burrito.
All you need is a handful of lube and an open mind
He had a cruise ship of a dick and I need to set sail on that ocean again
Randomize
