Definitely locked eyes with the stripper who gave me a lapdance last night as she walked by me and into the Ann Taylor Loft in Times Square.
how to cook rice: 1. put random amount of rice and water in a pot 2. have sex on the kitchen floor. when you are done having sex the rice is ready
A 20 minute car ride back to your car with the girl u had drunk anal with is the most uncomfortable thing ever.
He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
It's Christmas week. I wouldn't know what to do if i wasn't hung over.
Just bought a McDouble with a tightly rolled dollar. The lady just gave me a sad face...
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
Eating this pizza pocket is like eating out god
I'm spoon feeding myself tequila for breakfast, should we skip class today?
I'm unsure as to how you were able to snapchat me with your hands duck taped to beer, but I appreciated it nonetheless.
I'm still confused. So he's NOT your cousin by blood, but WAS your cousin, on two separate occasions, by marriage? Still too weird I think...
I can only get day drunk because of my medicine now, so... There's that
I may have unintentionally punched your cat twice but he's an asshole anyway.
Can't meet up at the party. Gary was caught by the cops attempting to drop a deuce thru his ex wife's Subaru via sun roof. Details as soon as bail is processed.
I didn't think you wanted your identity stolen along with your dignity. My mistake.
Randomize
