I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
a hangover this bad deserves a feeding tube
I woke up with someone else's vomit on my ass. That's how I'm doing today.
Someone wrote Kyle's bitch on me too. I dont even know who Kyle is.
btw im using a cooler as a purse cause i love string cheese
When you accidentally type "I want Prince William to fuck me in the ass" to your mom there's really no way to take that back.
i had a threesome. one of the guys used to bully me in high school too for being gay.
Just got cockblocked by my GF's wedding shower... That's a first. And I have to buy a gift.
She deliberately backed into the homewrecker's whoremobile and yelled ""FOR SPARTA!"
I think the reason she hasn't text me back is because I spanked her ass with Hulk Hands
I told ya. I'm super awesome at making things super awkward. I'm the Awkwardnator.
he offered me cocaine within 5 minutes of my arrival. yes of course i'm keeping him
6 more days and it'll be a year since i slept with him and never went home
He was walking around and kept offering the neighbors flamingo lawn ornaments shots of vodka.
Never going back to jail again. Only time in my life I've ever had a wet dream about jerking it...
Randomize
