Booty call?
Dude you don't even follow my twitter
It was like a Michael Bay sized explosion located in my pussy.
It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
just took a shot of real whiskey... i forgot what it's like to drink liquor that costs more than twelve dollars.
normally i would apologize for my drunk texting but even sober me agrees.
I woke up and took my shirt off, and there was what I was assume to be pieces of tree in my chest hair. Any ideas about that one?
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
Rumble strips road head = magical
Don't be embarrassed its me, I've licked your taint.
There's some random guy here dryhumping my kitchen door. If he is a friend of yours, please come and retrieve him.
She's still mad at me for saying she looked pregnant and not getting her chicken nuggets.
Will u make me a "6 month anniversary of being single" cake??? I wanna celebrate
i've hit rock bottom. Eating pringles and playing taylor swift on guitar in my underwear at 11am on a wedensday morning. Sober.
I was just seen throwin up on the bookstore building near a trashcan by parents. Naturally I throw a thumbs up and say go college
So my furniture is upside-down, two lamps are glued to the ceiling, and there is a kitten sleeping on Kyle's face. Please tell me what happened last night....
Randomize
