I thought he was joking about bailing you out until I saw the picture of you and the sheep in the morning paper. Were those my boots you had on it
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
It's going to be great. They guy at the store said 3 shots and you won't be able to feel your face or stop smiling.
yeah except there is a correlation between drinking moonshine and going blind, which kind of concerns me
She just tried to snort granola up her nose but its ok she's not bleeding.
I'm going to need to borrow your helmet cam for my Wednesday night blackouts.
Now that I'm single, I like to think of myself as in a relationship with Taco Bell.
Also this freshmen guy is talking about his gag reflex and no one is making blowjob jokes. I have no faith in the next generation.
I have good news and bad news. Bad news, she's not in porn. Good news, I found porn.
You can't say "my boobs are wonderful" and not expect my drunken subconscious to focus on wanting to see them. Btw-can I see them?
We were getting breakfast he shit himself in the middle of ihop. Mid bite he just yells out o fuck.
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
decided to jump from one of the levels of the Westin chicago Nortghwest. it was worth the broken legs.
Tomorrow is my bachelor party. If I die tomorrow, please know I graded you a "check" as a sister. "Check-minus" when you got mouthy.
had to remind myself that killing him is not a good career move AGAIN.
Randomize
