I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
I hope im prettier
yea, just so you know this whole self-loathing thing is getting pretty fucking annoying
apparently 9 shots of absynthe does not take away your skill to walk. i just woke up under a tree in some field on the other side of town with 4 hours missing.
what do 4 police cars, 1 ambulence, and 2 fire truycks have in common?.... My driveway
The cereal milk was almost black, the bacon was still frozen and the toast was soggy. And that was BEFORE I puked in her lap.
Making a drinking game out of jeopardy does not mean you studied..
The bar owner gave me permission to push people into the pool. I'm never going to leave Los Angeles
Yeah. You can ask him out. We're just fuck buddies. My vagina will be sad but your heart can be happy.
We're all getting matching jack daniels tattoos. We're gonna be an alcoholic gang of awesome.
Eating an ice cream sandwich while your little bro gets me weed. May I adopt him?
He said I was cute and he handed me a stuffed bear from his car. I don't care that he was 80, I named it Hector.
As i was laying there shouting that he dislocated my hip he actually reached his armed around and patted himself on the back
ALMOST WRECKED MY SCOOTER. DAVE FRANCO HAS A TWIN AMD HE GOES HERE
what food is Colorado known for?
Pot brownies.
Dude chill patience is a virtue.
WHY DOES PATIENCE HAVE TO BE A VIRTUE, WHY CAN'T HURRY THE FUCK UP BE A VIRTUE?
Randomize
