got them to do a wheelbarrow of shame down the sidewalk after the threesome. I rule
You brought back some girl with you at 3am and introduced her to everyone as "hot pocket"
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
I went to the bathroom like 8 times and each time I looked in the mirror and tried saying "I am sober." I burst out laughing when I got to "so-" every time. If you can't convince yourself, you can't convince anyone else. Fuck it, I'm going upstairs and drinking more.
You make your fellow Jews happy.
im failing my bio class b/c he booty calls me wednesday nights at 6 like clockwork
I was ashamed to still be in my green tank this morning, but there's a guy here in full on bright green pants and a green blazer. He looks like the lucky charms guy stretched out at drunker than usual. Now, I fade into the background.
todays sighting is titled: Bum taking pictures with an invisible camera.
I ate 12 cupcakes in less than 24 hours, so no judgement here.
You chest bumped everyone we walked by on the way home... Even girls
I don't listen when you talk. I just try to find new creative ways to get you to send me naked pictures.
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
not ubering you a puppy
My mom just came upstairs handed me an Adderall and asked if I could help her wash the ceilings
last night is slowly putting itself back together. Its one giant slutty puzzle, all the pieces are covered in tequila and shame.
Can’t. Tonight’s a netflix and dick night
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