we just got in the car and birthday sex is playing
that is a sign the 3 of us should have a threesome
we agree. completely
Just woke to a Christmas wrapped pack of hotdogs in my bathtub. How high did we get?
She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
He somehow managed to accomplish karate kicking a door down, cockblocking my friend in the room, and writing "tits" all over the house with a blue sharpie.
Did we fight the bathroom girl ? She just wanted to give us lotion and condoms.
How would u feel about transportimg a penis shaped ice luge to nashville?
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
dude throwing a golf cart off a pier is harder than it seems!
Dude, why did I wake up with ketchup packets in my bed and the stove in my room??
He said he was Greek American and that is why my legs slammed shut. During the World Cup there are only Americans.
I'm just going to ride dicks all the way to the to the gates of hell
I put on that one song on Titanic so he'd fall asleep. When I was positive he'd passed out in a drunken fit, he outstretches his arms and says "I'm flying, Jack.."
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
Ya that dick wasn't worth burning a perfectly good pizza.
You live and learn.
The ass gains better be worth it
Randomize
