Don't make out with my wife yet
Can we please just celebrate being alive this far into the school year and just get drunk?
If she doesn't judge me for bringing my vibrator in the tanning bed, I know she is a true friend.
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
Just called the consul general of France "dude"
Is it really road head if took place on kayaks in the river?
That stripper was not happy when I tried putting a dollar in her court mandated ankle bracket/tracking device
Please collect your boy friend. He semi-passed out on the couch and trying to grab bums as people walk by. Anyone's bum, he's not choosy.
Everyone else in class agrees the weed smell is coming from me
I smell like a skunk, but I'm okay with that.
It wouldn't be New Years Eve if we knew where we would be at midnight
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
She's blowing me while I'm watching air jaws. I love shark week.
Went to the lab to print and realized the guy next to me was the one we stole all the beer from last night..... Oops
I know I'm not a hook-up kind of chick but he is a firefighter & an EMS worker. I felt like maybe I'd be a good person if I let a good person inside of me
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