I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
Marriage: a sacred union between one man and one woman, and another woman in Argentina.
ur penis kinda felt like a vagina to me
i didnt think "maybe you should take over" was a good thing to say when i couldnt get it up
Thanks again for allowing my sister to lose her virginity on your bed.
The bartender said he wanted to turn you gay, and we got free shots the rest of the night
Carrying your underwear around in your purse on Sunday morning is its own religious experience
You had a hot dog outside the bar then made me stop at McDonald's for a double quarter pounder. I'd say you've more than filled your drunken meat quota.
It's embarrassing enough people in my life are aware of the ridiculous things that happen to me. I don't think we need to get the whole world involved.
I learned so much about myself in that shower.
I wasn't half as drunk as u but u were saying u were a "worm" and u tried to slither out of my grasp
why is there a wheelchair in the hall and why does it look like we banged in it?
I just found out why people like handcuffs.
When you realized the door was unlocked, you did the mission impossible yheme song and snuck into the bathroom. And continued it while you peed.
Randomize
