You also had the stripper slap the shit out of me for not having any money....remember that?
Woke up wearing just a scarf, the holidays are definetly here
Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
just found his boxers balled up inside my tights, hidden in my freezer. damn i love college.
Eric and I got kicked off of karaoke last night. Apparently, singing about masturbation to the tune of "A Whole New World" is not appropriate and definitely frowned upon by the DJ.
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
I thinking of taking all of the pics of his dick that he's sent me and making a calendar.
I'm a lady, I can't pee on the ceiling. Even I don't have that power.
Sometimes things go your way and sometimes you get hit on by a fat drunk girl.
First time at a gay bar. I found a surrogate AND sperm donor! The surrogate is straight, so it evens out.
He's ninety percent amazing leader, brother, and teacher, and ten percent unforgivable douche. These are the men I look up to in my life.
He wants to tie me naked and spread out on his table, press a vibrator to my clit and feed me ice cream.
That is my stoner wet dream!
I'm sun burnt so instead of getting drunk and trying to sleep with you, how about we get naked and you scratch my body and rub lotion on me while I rub one out?
He turned down head in favor of a handjob. Not sure if he's crazy or i have magic hands
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
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