Unfortunately, they didn't pull of their wake and bake plans. Instead, they waked and vomited like a half-retarded giraffe till everyone woke up.
Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
Her vagina smelled like chicken
why do you say that
chicken smells like everything
He literally didn't stop until I lost count of how many times he made me orgasm. It took three hours.
You should have seen her, she looked like a skinny Jabba The Hutt
That literally makes no sense
Exactly
You said that you were drinking out of a pan, and then went on to apologise to 'Jesus and all the other guys' for drinking on a Sunday.
I knew it was on when he was dancing on stage and I gave him a dollar so in return he ripped my tit out of my shirt and started sucking on it IN THE MIDDLE OF THE BAR.
Strip club for my birthday. And none of this discrimination shit. We're going to a guys one and girls one. Go get your singles.
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
It feels like I was drinking gasoline last night.
I was all, oh. I've had tattoos and broken a limb. Waxing my lady parts will be a cake walk. I was wrong.
Also Fuck you Stephen King and Fuck the horse you rode in on, making me cry In front of my coworkers.
Stoner thoughts are the only thoughts I want to have now.
Nothin much, just sipping warm franzia from a plastic valentines wine glass while wrapped in my Mexican blanket listening to sappy country songs and mourning my lack of a love life. Hbu?
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