you lied vaginas dont taste like gold fish!
noo i said youre golden if her vagina tastes like fish!
i wanted to be an indian when i was a child. apparently you cannot grow up to be an indian.
i guess i called my mom last night. she wasnt nearly as impressed with what we did in the bathroom as i was
Things I love twice as much when drunk: Taco Bell. Office chairs that roll. Classes.
you were wandering around the street for like an hour singing "nothing but socks on"..an original you wrote after the 12th shot i believe
My roommate has gone Christmas crazy. It looks like Jack Frost came all over my living room. Wanna come fuck me in the fake snow by the fireplace?
You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
I don't think I'm allowed to have Burger King. What if i just chew for taste and not actually consume. Like a wine connoisseur for fast food
There is this threesome scene that is literally 10 minutes of straight fucking
Omg so it's educational?
Whenever I'm not in the mood and don't want to go to bed swampy, I just strategically suck him off during the second period intermission of the Cup playoffs and he leaves me alone and does the dishes. It's a win-win.
Dude. The amount of love and appreciation from a house full of stoners when you come home at 4 am with donuts is overwhelming. The kind of love to make Jesus have to work a little harder at his unconditional love thing.
I'm too stoned to come over for sex
Yes that is a Krispy Kreme doughnut on my cock
I'll be right over
Nothing says "First Single Holidays" quite like getting baked with the guy that took your virginity four years ago.
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
tell him if he brings over dinner you might let him see your left boob...or right, whichever you prefer. But under no circumstances do you let him see both...unless he brings a good desert...like coffee ice cream or something
Randomize
