The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
you think the cum will come out of moms black shirt?
He showed up to fuck me at the same time the pizza guy did. It was like everything I needed just showed up at my stoop.
I didn't even realize you were getting that drunk until bam!
is bam when I fell down the stairs or when I threw up standing at the bar?
Every girl my sister has brought home from college I've had sex with, check and mate motherfucker
i am laugh crying so hard the guy next door stopped playing guitar
In other news, people don't judge you when you buy a vibrator if you buy a funny birthday card and bag with it. I learned that this weekend.
He stopped his car in the middle of ongoing traffic to ask me to marry him. Then he got pulled over. Yeah I'd say the slutty Dallas Cowboys costume was a success.
Your hotness may or may not have landed him in jail.
You yell at me for giving you beer but not for licking spilled beer off your chest.
I just wanna get drunk in a castle. Is that so much to ask?
My body is telling me there was tequila. My pictures say it was Jeff's fault
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
Hey, I'm 22. I'm allowed to have a sex life and you're going to hear about it.
Eh, my puke tasted like lemonade, so not too bad
I would accept a super bowl ring as an engagement ring
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