he's making romantic advances towards me. and he has a pet snake. 2nd part not relevant, but interesting.
its impossible for me to find something that fits my tits my muffin top and my ass all at the same time
I'm seriously gonna die surrounded by a million cats and an unbroken hymen
He apologized for his naked psychotic episode and then we had goodbye sex on his sailboat
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
And you were like "stop making pop tarts, lil bowow" as you grabbed the pop tarts from your ex and consumed them. Teach me your ways.
Dude, seduce him with cookies. You almost turned me gay with scones. Don't be surprised when they get you laid.
I don't think tequila will soothe the spots where my tonsils used to be.
we're going to the olympic park to run the 100m yeaaaahhh
it's 3am. Nothing could possibly go wrong here.
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
I just pictured my inhibition personified as little pink piggies with wings flying off into the great wide nowhere hahaha
I just bought emergency deodorant at Dominick's and put it on in front of a homeless man while waiting for the bus. He laughed and said 'girl, you a mess'. This is my life.
Have you ever thrown up in the middle of your hair appointment? Cause I have..
Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.
i got a dick pic last night and the mother fucker had a Jesus picture in the background.
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