I called him Han Solo during sex, he looked at me like he was mortified then I realized he came.
I was still in a towel. We hadn't even started drinking yet and the champagne bottle dropped and exploded literally up into my vagina.
the night ended with taco bell and tears
There are six slides. In going to pee in five of them. You have to guess which one to go down. Agree?
Agreed.
I flashed a party boat full of Asians yesterday, didn't I?
i love you man. i hope we fuck some serious shit up this summer.
I can't leave your house without my underwear spending the night.
Well I'm drunk and covered in baby oil so tonights not ideal
She told me she's dating him because his apartment is a block from Taco Bell. I don't know how she's not fat.
Haha yeah that's basically it. He was like "i've always had a thing for you, and even sober i still would do and feel the same way." so glad to know i am worthy of a sober hookup as well.
It's not so much that I'm giving her money because I threw up on her floor. It's more like I'm paying her to never ever mention it again.
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
Come camping we have xanax and steaks
He said he couldn't fuck me cause I kinda looked like my brother
How drunk you think somebody has to be, that they think that putting out a profile pic like that can be even a slightly good idea?
Randomize
