I really like you and I'm tired of just hooking up. I want you be my boyfriend.
Uhh, I'm not breaking up with my girlfriend to be with you.
Got one of only two perfect scores in the class on the quiz I took drunk. This is not a good thing for me to have learned about myself.
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
I would say a second date is not looking likely, I acciedentally bit his penis. it's still bleeding 43 minutes later.
I got kicked out of a mexican restaurant last night for being too drunk. This is getting dangerously close to rock bottom
Great I'll forever be branded as gym slut at the new gym.
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Wesley from the Princess Bride. I kept telling him what I wanted him to do and all he would say was "as you wish"
So the contents found in my winter coats this year: coat 1, condom and 10$. Coat 2, condom and 75$ check. Coat 3, 2.05$ and a sunflower seed.
Obviously coat 3 had the best time since you used the condom and all of the money
To be fair, I'm probably one of the better candidates for the role of 'baby daddy' in this town
I'm hurting so bad I actially had to wait for my mini wheats to get soggy before I could eat them..
SCUSE ME I KNOW YOU DIDNT DO THAT MUCH COKE IN 10 MINUTES
this old people party is bangin. they have apple cider with everclear in it
I got paid to fuck my boss for lunch. My job is better than yours.
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