your parents love me but you hate me
When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
after the first, "yea you like that baby", i quickly remembered why i had stopped having sex with him.
The future queen of Norway was pregnant with a druglord's baby when she met the prince. We still have hope.
Listen, this was just a tiny lapse of judgement.
I'm pretty sure that's not a synonym for pregnancy.
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
I was laying there trying to sleep and then he sat up, took out his dick, and put it on my shoulder. It wasn't even hard- it was just casually perched.
Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band
Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume
I'm allowing myself one mistake a year. He gets to be 2012.
Woke up covered in green glitter and beer. I am never leaving Ireland.
I need vodka mixed w a bit of holy water right now
Am I supposed to get so horny by looking at your dick that I start orgasming uncontrollably
He fucked me on the hood of my car outside his work, and now I'm paranoid that the doggie day care next door might have security cameras.
He has a syndrome called asshole. And it flares up 24/7.
Randomize