remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
just prayed to lady gaga in hopes it will help me pass my fashion merchandising final...what is my life?
I just found out my boyfriend is cheating on me, please tell me Carl is a unisex name.
I'm not wearing underwear, I started my period this morning, and it's super windy. Recipe for disaster?
I mean, I'm twenty four years old and I've never paid for my own drink. You can't say that any of your ex girlfriends boobs are THAT great.
let's be real here, you have a beautiful vagina. this kid is a doctors son. that's a remedy for beautiful rich grandkids. he is just trying water his family tree, and make sure he doesn't end up in some piece of shit adult home. go for it.
I sexy timed too hard and there is an ass shaped piece of a ping pong table now missing bc of it. How am I allowed to leave the house without a helmet?
We are both federal employees and Obama gave us a four-day weekend to lie in bed. Do you know how many orgasms that will be? I knew there was a reason I voted for this guy.
just found out I was hugging strangers at the bar last night. there's photographic evidence. I know none of them
Yep. I'm going to buy a sex toy and a LARP prop on the same trip. Welcome to my life.
He accidentally opened the car door during sex and all the lights came on. Needless to say, that kid passing by who was walking his dog got scarred for life.
I just shit a hot coal. Pretty sure it's that fireball shot from yesterday.
That car ride home was pretty awkward. Your feeling up the girlfriend to the guy who's throwing up out the window. Thanks for that.
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
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