U r making out with a 12 year old get ur shit together
I just had to google "How do I get semen stains off of drywall." I'm relatively proud of this
Girl in my class with fire painted on her face. I. need. that. weed.
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
The highlight of my night was definitely explaining the bandaid on my nipple.
Thank you for not puking on my lap during the first class of the semester. And fuck you for doing it in the second.
How many people slept in the bouncy castle last night?
4 guys, 1 girl. Pretty sure were gonna have to pay the cleaning fee
It's Saturday night and I'm getting shitfaced alone while reading Dino porn. Wassssuuuupppp
He came over last night and as soon as we started having sex Siri announced "you've arrived at your destination." I think it was some kinda sign
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST
you can tell a lot about a person by the quality of their porn
Tight. Want to get up, make coffee, sit on separate couches and silently read our mobile devices together?
I will not go because I am a man of my word and of my penis.
Im experiencing the awkward moment after realizing two of my straight female friends have had sex with each other
Randomize
