god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
He's been dead since March and more people write on his wall than mine.
he asked me to help him wrap his girlfriends birthday presents. Dont worry we fucked right after.
i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."
And he was super vague about his life, it was frustrating. I totally boned a homeless guy, didn't I?
If I ever die and svu has to come to my murder scene make sure they know I don't wear underwear always so it might not be as bad as they think
We need to get her a baby shower present. And no, a blow up sex doll with her dead boyfriends picture stuck to it, is not appropriate.
Last thing I remember was wondering why there was a mirror on the wall behind the urinal and then realizing I was pissing in the sink.
I just walked away from a youth soccer tournament popping every birth control pill I had left in the pack.
Note to self; if you can light it on fire, you probs shouldn't drink it
I can't hookup with a guy in my car because it smells like Taco Bell..
Someone needs to lock me in a chastity belt because all my vagina does is get me into trouble. Fuck.
I have successfully trained your dog to bring me pudding cups!
I wanna riverboat gamble on your vaginal waters. Just sayin
Do you wanna fuck while my apple pie is in the oven?
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