I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
I drunkenly recorded an episode of Family Matters last night. I took a shot everytime Carl Winslow had a mustache.
Recently successful and happy relationships are at an all time high now that you are no longer fucking so many peoples girlfriends. You alone have changed the mating patterns in the lower half of our county.
You need to stop relating my life to your schoolwork. But tell my girlfriend that she'd be proud.
Dude. The only thing that I use less than my dick is my tennis racket. We need to play.
it says 'tasty bitch' in sharpie on my tits...
did the fire alarm go off at the party last night I kind of remember a fire alarm noise
omg omg i ripped it out of the ceiling omg
I was orgasming and dying of laughter at the same time. I think I've found the One.
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
I'm tripping pretty hard right now but every time a Volvo drives by I feel like everything is gonna be alright
He texted his hospitalized grandma while inside me, so really a perfect gentleman.
I had sex with him for the first time drunk, dressed in a toddler overall tutu costume, at 2pm. Horrible start.
I don't trust his life but I trust his penis.
Your life is a soap opera of great sex, cats, and booze.
I'm not fucking you with a Stormtrooper helmet on!
Great, now I'm picturing myself as a fucking garden gnome
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