Just be blunt and say drink from my dick
My balls are about to become a huge part of your mouth's life
This is a mass text. Does anyone know where I am?
You don't think I'm weird or immature right?
No I think it's cute we had sex on your Bob the Builder sheets
what did gay clubs do before lady gaga
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
Just saw a woman walking a golden retriever and a vacuum down the road. I miss downtown.
When we found you, you were using the bottle of Captain as a pillow...with a note on your forehead that said don't wake up the champion.
He was in Alberta for less than a week and is already banned from 6 bars. I fear for his general well-being over there.
When someone comes out of your vagina and stomps on your dreams, you'll understand.
Just stepped off the plane in St. Louis. I'm breaking out in hives, I'm allergic to Midwesterners. Can't WAIT to get the fuck out of here.
I held the blackjack dealer's hand and told the old asian woman she was 'soft to the touch, but cold as ice"
Got another job?
If by job you mean clever way of getting free tattoos, then yes. I got another job.
Stoner thoughts are the only thoughts I want to have now.
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
Randomize
