i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
Teenaged girls are God's best work and the Devil's best tool. Remember that my friend.
i knew it was time to break up with him once he pulled out the Halo foreplay costumes
can't remember last night but the beers were $3.50, so i can count how many I had by counting my quarters
i can afford to take several trips up and down the parkway right now if I wasn't still hanging over my toilet
did i really just refer to you as "the mid season replacement"
Don't worry about it. Anal sex isn't always sunshine and wildflowers.
Quesedillas should not make me weep and drinking water should not make me feel like god is giving me mouth to mouth. Never again.
Hypothetically going to the gym on coke was a good idea
(540): I ran 10 miles and then took a dump behind a rock. What the fuck have you done with a hangover that's comparable?
Dont really know what happened near the end, Pockets were filled with skittles though
I feel like we have both made good decisions regarding our vaginas lately
Think of something healthy and responsible. Now think of the exact opposite, let's do the latter
We can't go out this weekend. My uterus is so desperate it's given me permanent beer goggles
I tried to take a cute nude but sneezed halfway through. I sent it anyway
Please don't finger me like a jackhammer. I'm a woman not a construction site.
Randomize