I don't know if it's her mysterious past or atrocious grammar, but I think I'm in love.
watching espn. realized that the exact place those sportcenter guys are is where I got laid on the beach last superbowl. my sex spot is broadcasted nationwide
I'm returning our mountain of beer cans, while wearing a Budweiser sweatshirt. i don't look like an alcoholic.
The straight man in me wants to hit on her. But the gay man in me wants to compliment her on her awesome outfit.
I just picked up my chili cheese fries off the ground ate them, and then licked up the cheese that was still on the concrete. Thank you Jagerbombs
I'LL COME GET YOU. GOTTA FIND A SUIT THAT COVERS TIT BRUISES FIRST.
i knew it was love when she pulled a beer out from between her boobs and offered it to me
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
There aren't enough words in the English language to fully describe how worried I am for your dick. And the rest of you, I suppose.
Do you remember when you first moved into my parents house with me and we came home to find that my dad bolted the headboard to the wall
Okay, first we buy a pirate outfit and then we get drunk, you in or you out?
She's so high she just screamed into the pile of takeout boxes "which one of you gave me diarrhea"
He said a lot of nice things about me, it was really uncalled for.
Don't drink and try to take a shower. I thought I was drowning
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
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