i'll give you all the meat in my fridge in exchange for 2 condoms.
Just because we buy weed together doesn't mean were a couple
the two person party stopped when i realized that he tried to throw a hammer at my head.
Just beat off to internet porn while talking to my mom on the phone and eating a cinnamon roll. U have 5 minutes to get on my level
And have you ever tried to explain a hickey to your own grandmother?
And I really REALLY don't feel like cleaning cinnamon off my penis tonight.
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
I have a big to do list for you. Number 1 - me. Number 2 - drink wine 3. Talk my ears off. 4. Me again
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
I threw up in my closet when I was hammered last night. Like a fucking toddler. I can't play with the grow ups.
I just had a spiritual connection with my sweater and did ballet in the hallway. Alone. I'd say we're gonna chalk that up as a win for marijuana and call it a night
Don't worry, I'm sure your thrusting skills are on point.
I'm dangerously close to tossing this whole "morals" bullshit and swan-diving into the fuckboy lifestyle.
Oh god theyre drunkenly throwing knifes now, definitely the best movie I've worked on
Leave it to my mom and I to turn the hearing into a drinking game.
Randomize
