You are a beautiful, beautiful young lady. Your heart is made of tissue, blood and love. I will call you very soon, Princess Sophia.
Ugh, here's a dating tip. Hairy legs are a major turn off
in the past 3 nights i've fucked a millionaire, a drug dealer and a civil engineer... i dont really have a "type" anymore
It Amazes me that I was able to drunk update my status in Spanish last night.
Streaking across a girls college rugby game is probably the best, and most painful, decision I've ever made
He dodged my hug and greeted me with a fist bump. I slept with him the night before. The only thing worse would have been a greeting by chest bump.
I'm smoking a bowl and pondering why we haven't discovered teleportation again.
IT WAS SO BIG. I FORGOT GOD MADE THEM LIKE THIS.
I just tried to roll over and fell off the bed. I think that is the beds way of kicking me out
You know that girl that climbed through my window and got in my bed with me and fucked me? It turns out she was real and has a real boyfriend who is real pissed
Just peed off a cliff while playing white snake on my phone. Close enough?
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
THERES A BEAVER CHASING ME, ANGRY BEAVERS IS FUCKING REAL DUDE
I woke up to the smell of shame and vomit in my hair... went to the bathroom to shower and passed out... woke back up naked with the blow dryer on... thanks for making my birthday a success
Well I had to have sex with him so he would buy me plan b. The fact that I had sex with someone else last night who couldn't afford it is irrelevant.
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