Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
is it wrong that i plan on stealing a few pipecleaners from my preschool classroom to clean my bowl?
He told me he could read braille... with his tongue. So I took him home. I don't think he was lying
You act like I'm friends with her or something. I only screw her boyfriend!
Oh yeah.
tonight i'm making a christmas tree shaped shot pyramid
I got a 69.7 in accounting. I have this whole doing the bare minimum down to a science
So I've officially decided that I AM that drunken mistake that girls hate themselves for in the morning.
I'm going to start giving girls scratch off lottery tickets when they leave my place in the am. That way they have a chance of not regretting the night before
I think this baby is eyeing my beer
Correct me if I'm wrong, but I did not stop moving last night. If tequila gives me that extra push to have an active lifestyle, so be it.
This is even worse then that time I fucked a guy just because he had air conditioning.
You're not stopping till I see you on the ground trying to hold on to shit
I picked a bad day to wear the catch me fuck me shoes.
Did someone catch you and fuck you?
Noted. Next time you want to get fried chicken and cocaine.
Ok. That just sounds baller.
Why is there a condom in my ukulele?
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