Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
you're the one who masterbates every night to the titanic soundtrack
What's the name of that girl you hooked up with? The one that looks like the fire hose sign.
dipping my christmas cookies in kaluha. santa would be proud.
Only I could do what I did last night and feel perfectly ok working around children the next day
I got rejected. By another girl. At a red light. In front of seven shirtless cyclists in the middle of the night. How is that normal?!?
My last google search is "how to build a flamethrower"
If I don't get to have sex with him soon my entire female reproductive system is gonna climb out of my body and choke me to death
This is the fourth day in a row I woke up with cheetos spread around me in a ritual pattern..this weed is unreal
How is it medically possible for my urine to smell like espresso
She asked me to dress as captain planet for halloween and told me she was gonna suck the pollution out of my dick.
Give me an out of order sign and caution tape and we can have sex practically anywhere.
Tried to shave my legs but the rug burn on my knees from last night got in the way.
Woke up with a bed full of sand...care to explain?
Isnt is self explanatory?
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
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