Never eat 3 McGriddles and drink a carton of milk. It's like you're successfully killing self but you're alive.
im going to live freely with my legs opened and my heart closed
I need to stop sleeping with republicans and cowboys fans.
Plus apparently whenever one of her friends loses their virginity they get a party with a funfetti cake which I found funny
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
As per my father's affair, married men are no longer off limits.
hi sober isdnt real. this is a mass rtoomate taext i thing. bye
AMAZING.
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
I promised myself in the hospital that I would give up drinking for however long the cast stayed on. Thank god it was only soft tissue and not a fracture.
Dad danced with a girl half his age and her boyfriend just sat at the bar and waited for dad to be done. I bought pity nachos.
Pretty sure the guy I hooked up with Saturday gave me a buy one get one free coupon for chipotle. Who said nice guys don't exist?
Man. Apparently I blacked out between the 4th margarita and my air mattress. Asleep in my jeans at 10pm. Mom outdrank me again.
i turned around and there he was, right in my face. i was mid deep throat of a hot dog that i was eating with my hands and no bun. you win FSU, you win.
I swear to god....if you can give yourself a brazilian you can take a fucking bullet
Remember that pair of super cute shorts I pooped in? I miss those 😔
Randomize