Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
Spaghetti and Car Bombs, good idea or what will end up on the bar in a few minutes?
i'm almost done photoshopping my face on his wife. it's a done deal
dont touch anything in my room. If its phallus shaped, i can almost guarantee its been in my vagina.
She was mid-sentence and then BOOM the hammock broke off the tree. I about pissed myself. Hot Sprite and Vodka make the world go round.
People said that when they tried to talk to me I answered that there was a glass around my head stopping me from answering them
Its a little weird going to a wedding where I've screwed the bride and my wife has screwed the groom. Great wedding though.
She tried to leave the threesome and I heard you yell "Hey! We don't quit at halftime!"
That girl from the bar sent me a text saying that she wants to wear my cock as a hat. A cock hat. Is that good or bad?
either I'm really high or that last bong rip tasted like christmas
Nothing like waking up and watching Dr. Phil and masturbating. It's like a protein shake for the day.
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
How many times have you told me to call 911 this week?
Lol twice
Is there such thing as dick sucking teeth guards?
I must be pretty memorable. I was walking past this dude and he goes "There's the Scotch Girl." I have ZERO clue who he is, but I'm definitely the Scotch Girl.
Randomize
