Well, its 5:30am and you haven't let me in, I guess ill go home
i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
if that dog is afraid of alcohol then he's no dog of mine
I'm not sure how exactly, but this funeral has turned into a ridiculous night of drinking games
there's a guy looking for his pants in my room, is he yours?
he's my ex-boyfriend's best friend... he tried to make out with me to prevent me from hitting his friend. then they almost fought about it.
teach me your ways.
i woke up the next morning in a pool of blood in my bathroom and a pinata donkeys head in my bed
so much for an anticlimactic 22nd birthday
Seriously. All i can say is im covered in mud, my jaw hurts, i cannot straighten my arm, egg is everywhere, and there is a dead squirrel.
After sex he cried I didn't know what to do so I patted him on the back and went to the kitchen to make waffles
How would your parents feel if we installed a sex swing?
I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.
Am I getting cock blocked by karaoke? That's a first.
my nurturing instincts told me to take his clothes off
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
Hey do you remember me?
You were a giant banana.... how could I forget.
Randomize
