Sarah Palin just quit. Happy Independence day!
God Bless America!
My Hamptons summer hookup resume reads like a walk-in clinic waiting list.
She looks like an uncircumcised penis in a hat.
tell me how i ended up in the movie theater alone with a bottle of smirnoff and a bendy straw.
stopped you just in time from sledding down the roof.
My mom's 50 year old alcoholic friend just told me about how she was more whoreish then us at our age. Challenge accepted.
I walked home with an awkward asain couple. There was a language barrier but I think we're friends now.
Ended up at a lesbian bar and almost got stabbed in the eye with a dart. Weirdest bachelor party ever.
You have not lived until you've seen your mother stumble into the house with one shoe on mumbling incoherently about tequila cupcakes.
I used to not like fucking fat girls but with her gut clapping against her boobs, its like a standing ovation ever time.
Guess who has two thumbs and just fell outta his car and almost peed himself
I made out with a guy because he ate a grape lollipop and he tasted delicious... not my proudest moment.
I shouldn't have watched rise of the planet of the apes and then gotten high. I'm now convinced that the cats are out to get me.
Just reached for my phone in my non existant pocket while it was in my hand.
We kicked down a door together last night, pretty sure that qualifies us as best friends.
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