The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
The child next door sounds like he's having vigorous sex in the backyard and it's making me very, very uncomfortable. I don't want to look.
there's nothing like watching the sun rise at the library alone on a friday morning to make you want to kill yourself.
I've had cake for breakfast the past 3 days. You tell me how bikini season is going.
My mom woke me up in a bubble bath this morning.
There was blood everywhere. She was pretty good looking person though.
Due to the events of st patties day last year I created a moral and ethical policy so that I won't get kicked out of the bar again. It mostly consists of not wearing pants so then I don't take them off at the bar.. and subsequently get kicked out.
Today, my boyfriend informed me that I look like my dad when I orgasm
Your stoned with a 2 year old in the room....and that makes you want to have babies?!
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
I think I just scared the sex out of my booty call. He saw me at the grocery store using one of those "future mother" parking spots right next to the handicap ones. He just made eye contact and drove off. I regret my laziness.
i think we sleep fucked last night...
I want you to worship my cock.
That's not how you start a conversation.
Fuck you, i'm all jacked up on bananas lets go somewhere
His mom knocked on the door during morning sex because we were being too loud...now i have to meet her for the first time
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