you were so drunk when the pizza guy got there you told him that you didn't have any money and would trade him the pizza for 3 Porno movies and he totally did it. I may never have to pay for pizza again
At what point last night did I start ordering doubles?
Right after we had the just friends talk..
We are the drunkest people in Toys R' Us right now
Never underestimate the healing power of vomiting and a bath.
You know who really doesn't like surpise in-your-face air guitar solos? Strangers.
Do 'mystery' cracked ribs heal any quicker than regular ones?
Dude this stripper just dry humped the settings off my phone. She earned that dollar
Omg. One night stands are not supposed to show up to your swim class the morning after. Worst lesson ever.
She passed out on the kitchen table with two mickeys forties duct taped to her hands. Clearly she is going to fit perfectly in your house this semester
And then, I saw the prophecy come to fruition. It was the Dick of Destiny.
If I get to the point of singing Man of Constant Sorrow then please god let me do it, record it, then cut me off.
You don't care if I shave my legs, but you insist I be conscious for sex. Whatever. I really think your priorities are out of whack.
I don't think you could pull off being mean.
How do you think I'm still single?
I’m glad they have a happy marriage but why do they have to inflict it on the rest of us?
But what is a man profited, if he should gain Joe Biden and lose Alex Trebek?
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