I just woke up in the 4th floor lounge at 5:30AM with my ipod on to springsteen and a condom on
He told me he had never done that before...I responded with "clearly"
And if you don't call me, I will embarrass you publicly with a can of spray cheez.
He kept starring at my ass and repeating "Its Just a beautiful piece of artwork."
I just beat off to a cartoon porn video. what has my life come to
My mom just told me to drench my entire body in vodka for 20 minutes. I have never been this russian. no one has ever been this russian
The prostitute across the street from us is having a seizure on her front lawn again.
I watched her choke out a bouncer with the broken strap from her purse, I think shes the one.
all i remember was you yelling "look at my little feet" at everyone on the way home from the bar.
A girl just told me she printed out my pictures and taped them on her wall. I have to stop sleeping with virgins.
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
MY FUCKING CAT JUST GAVE BIRTH AND IM FUCKING STONED AND I FUCKING DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
It's very disconcerting to wake up and she is gone. I never know where she could be. It's like playing wheres Waldo but Waldo could potentially be drunk and wandering around in weird places that normal Waldo's don't go.
Randomize
