that's the second time you've been mistaken as a prostitute. maybe life is trying to tell you something
its my fault though, i'm wearing tights
you're hiking in tights? you remind me of dennis quaid's fiance in the parent trap
His little brother walked in on us. Six times.
You love me.
That's because, tragically, I adore whores.
dude stop sending me pictures of your dick in weird places. i get it. you rock out with your cock out.
There are Star Wars cutouts in his basement. Obi Wan Kenobe watched me give him a handjob.
Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
Banging bitches in a bar bathroom is not legit as it was in college, there are no fistpumps afterward only shame
Some dude just came up to me and stroked my beard, smiled and left. Shave?
Apparently someone switched my cash for monopoly money after midnight so I couldn't get any more drinks at the bar
I had a dream that we erected a stage in our living room for "impromptu performances" how can we make this a reality?
I'm gonna win the lottery and buy chinchillas and tattoos for everyone
We need a shit load of segways right now
I just text my one night stand Happy Easter on her way home...now would be a good time for the lord to smite me.
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
She ripped her shorts off and yelled "VAGINA TIME!"
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