There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
i guess you could say your face is two degrees of separation from my balls
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
the best part was when he threw his debit card on the table, looked at everyone and said "turn this into pizza!" It felt like a scene in a 'coming of age' teen comedy.
those are the first brownies ive had since i was 13 that didnt have weed in them.
Just bought a german beer stein with tuition cash. no regrets
Ps I don't think it counts as being open minded if you didn't know he was missing a leg until you had already started making out.
Will you please bring me a line of coke at work without asking questions?
I woke up to a hotel manager knocking on my car ( window was down) and asking if I was ok
All of her cloths were on our coffee table this morning. The only things she left with last night were her shoes and Scott
You know, part of me wants to die and the other part of me doesn't want to live
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
Dude, my sex life is so sad since I started having feelings.
Sleeping with just one person sucks
he was almost the father of your baby, you should let him take you to dinner
It was some weird herd predator-evasion instinct. All 15 of us took off running in different directions, and the two cops just stood there, perplexed. They had no idea who to chase.
Randomize