boyfriend complimented me on my new prada shoes today. he is officially either gay or the man im gonna marry. knowing my luck it's all of the above.
At least he's not married... I hate Halloween hookups
just a question.. totally understand if you dont know what im talking about.. but.. do you have my funnel? i think i tucked it in to your bed last night.
Your mom just threw up on me. Please come home.
I still don't know why you took that job... it sounds miserable
not having any beer money sounds even more miserable
I'm not really sure what went on in my mouth last night but right now it tastes like what I can only imagine is a mixture of astroglide and peanut butter. You hungry?
We started pregaming at 8. It's 11, and her only 11:11 wish is to be sober. It's hard to not love her.
Date idea: we should go to the store and buy all the different kinds of Lay's and eat them all
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
Just realized I chose a bacon cheeseburger over sex last night
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
FYI, his "son" is a Chihuahua.
fucking him is like fucking old faithful. you could set your watch by his orgasms.
I knew she was the one when we had sex to the halo soundtrack.
Randomize
