this dieting is killing me...just started drooling watching a dog food commercial
my boss said she was surprised to see me this morning. i told her there's a time in a girls life she has to give up day drinking in order to make money for next weekend's alcohol. she looked so proud, i think i might get a raise.
my fraternity brothers just had an intervention for me. i either have a problem or am just on some next-level shit, im gonna go with door number 2
I'm at a winery and there's a 50 yr old woman sitting at a table alone with a bottle of wine and the only time I've seen her get up is to harass the hot dog guy
She saves ONE person's life while blacked out and now she's positive anything can be done "while fucking hammered"
It's take your daughter to work day... I really shouldn't be here right now
You pretended to pelvic thrust my mother on the boat while my 92 year old grandmother looked on. Thanks.
Just to update you. I am dead. So your probably gonna have to find a new roommate
The nausea has returned and I can't handle such things to exit my body so violently
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
I spent the entire party sexting people's significant others for them because they were too drunk to do it themselves. I did quite well too. I should start a business
Sorry I wasn't opportunistic about sucking your dick in an Uber last night
I walk into the pharmacy and I'm like "I need three morning after pills" and the guy was like "uhhhh". All I said was "we didn't plan it, we all just got laid the same night"
He stopped the gas pump at 69 and gave me my receipt. He wants it.
Randomize
