my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
do you ever facebook stalk someone so much you think their inside jokes are yours?
its always fun the next morning to look around the room and see where all the clothing landed.
apparently i found nail polish and started playing a game i made up called "paint a nail, do a shot"
No matter what I do you still love me. It's like loving a retarded kid. A retarded kid that keeps trying to sleep with you.
Hey.. there are 2 people i've never met before spooning in the bathtub. Please elaborate on what went down last night.
Very excited! Vodka will be shot, dicks will be ridden, and memories made.
At 27 it's no longer called 'slutty', it's called having a healthy sex life...
He started screaming when he saw my dog. He thought it was a polar bear
I found one of your hair extensions on the dance floor. You put it back in your hair
I yield to the immortal wisdom of one ludacris, who famously wrote, "can't turn a hoe in to a housewife." Indeed, ludacris, indeed.
Me and my bruised tit have to wake up at 4 AM.
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
As you were falling you yelled out, "save my burrito!" Priorities
I resent the implication of a jizz addiction
Randomize
