i need a new camera phone. my pictures from last night are as blurry as my memories. and neither tell me why i woke up in an airplane hangar.
His facebook interests include 'unstrapping velcro'.
why do you have a stuffed bear wearing a thong and a seatbelt in your backseat??
You NEED to fuck him he's a doctor with one leg. Are you kidding me right now. This will definitely make the list. Plus he buys all of us drinks.
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
He told me he doesn't want to fuck anymore because he needs to focus on school. Either he grew a vagina or he's secretly gay, it has to be one of the two.
My Internet history has 23 searches for 24 hour cake. Self respect plummeting.
I may or may not have told him that he's "the only one with a PHD in this pussy"... I should like direct cheesy porno flicks or something.
He picked me up in the very car he devirginized me in, his moms toyota.
I've never had sex with me but I assume there are worse ways to be woken up.
You made me take a photo of you under the stairs at the bar. "Look I'm Harry Potter."
Go to a building you've never been before and take a shit. It's marvelous
apparently when she asked me how drunk I was on a scale of 1-10, I answered "bitch I'm fabulous" and tried to do a sassy hairflip. but I have short hair.
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
I literally ended up in this basement and was tangoing w my friend and then I peed in a supply closet and had to be put to bed
Randomize
