then he goes, "ok, i have to go talk to the girl i'm semi-talking to/dating and see if i'm in trouble" WHAT IS MY LIFE?!
No. I still stand by my previous statement that nachos and tequila is the breakfast of champions.
the boat had a sign not to jump off the roof of it, which gave us the idea to jump off the roof of it
Can I get a "hallelujah" for railing my pastors daughter last night?
We make out exclusively when we're drunk. That's like a relationship for me, right?
Trevor is horny so he just called me to tell me all the things that he would like to do with his future wife. That's a new one.
It's like past high you was looking out for future high you by rolling that joint and leaving it in your coat pocket. What a Halloween miracle
Got into Princeton. So excited about the mommy-issue-over-achieving-cock I get to ride the next 4 years!!!
she's sitting there like the lesbian godfather. A cigarette in one hand and a titty in the other.
One failed naked backward somersault off the bed and I realize - I either need to drink less or workout more. Perhaps both.
I'm just down here gazing up into your ivory tower of nudes
2016 shall be rememered as the year I sharted while putting up the Christmas tree.
Ok so I'm not gonna ignore the fact that you had sex on a frat basement floor and spent the last 4 years wondering how you got HPV
Should I put the spider I likely swallowed in my sleep into my calorie tracker?
I got the shit slapped outta me last night but the pain in my jaw doesn’t even compare to the hangover I have.
Randomize
