sitting in class between the roommates of the two girls i fucked over break. this feels like a bad version of wife swap
As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
It's chlamydia! Thank God!
He compliments me like a gay guy and fucks me like a starved nympho. I'm in love.
Dude id rather jerk off w a fist full of bee's than deal with that girl that never stops talking.
Apparently throwing balloons filled with vodka off the roof is considered terrorism.
Lusting after Beyonce when you're a lesbian is like having a crush on Jesus. You just don't do it.
I have to call my new boss to accept the job offer so you have pack the bowl while I pretend I'm a responsible adult THEN we can get high
You were so drunk that you didn't even notice when I switched out your shot of jäger for a shot of maple syrup...before or after you drank it.
If you kill yourself you won't get to feel that feeling when you have a good shit in the morning. Arent you gonna miss that?
I thought if I bought the most expensive pregnancy test I would look like I had my life together
Sarah just give sum homeless dude a lap dance, took like 2$ worth of change from his cup and was all like, "Biiitch, this aint free"..
Shit. My boss is having me meet and greet with the new doc upstairs. Do you think his doctor powers will detect that I'm still high?
OMG also, I'm sorry I tased you a lil
Gov of Georgia is going to allow massage therapists to return to work.
Gives a new meaning to 'Happy Endings'.
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