nothing as in nothinggggg kills the mood for me is when a girl with 4 cm nipple hair
Just heard the garage door open and I immediately sprinted to the laptop to erase history, even though I haven't watched porn today...I believe Pavlov now.
you were smoking 3 cigarettes at once saying 'cancer isn't real! Its all in your head!'
getting kicked in the face by someone doing a keg stand. just my luck
You do realize that you tried to eat the neighbors cat because the dominos guy was 5 minutes late. You would have succeeded if we didnt stop you.
I swear to god if he wasnt on the fourth floor balcony and I wasn't to drunk to climb I would kill him
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
also, the amount of semen in my carpet right now is unforgivable...
Witnessing a crazy lady on the bus screaming about how romney is one of the four horsemen of the apocalypse.
Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
Just went over my top ten highlight reel with that guy I'm fucking. It was like we were sports announcers. But about sex.
I know the wedding is going to be a good time, I don't have to wear a bra with my dress
You tried to prove you weren't drunk by loudly singing the romanian national anthem. Why the fuck do you even KNOW the romanian national anthem?
I'm so drunk and angry about the Michigan game the fact of my relationship being over doesn't matter
We found him. He just came running out of the closet with a bruise on his face saying he has been fighting elves in Narnia for a year.
Randomize
