When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
is there anything more depressing than unpacking condoms from your suitcase that you thought you were going to use on vacation?
she told me I give head better than a lesbian. I know it's a great compliment but it kind of threw me off.
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
We tried to line dance with everyone but it turned into drunken stumbling and attempting to grind on random frat boys. I feel that this might turn into an every Thursday thing.
Get caught with marijuana. Cop takes piece. Buy new bong. Circle of fun.
I'm in the "I'd rather have Carbs than Dick phase" part of my Life right now. YOU tell me how much Skinny Sex I'm having.
Annnnddddd this chick is using a hand puppet made of a sock to give her research presentation...
We were all in the pool and he showed up with a pitcher of margarita. Everyone swam over to him. He poured it directly into our mouths like we were a Sea World act.
I peppersprayed myself last night. Sigh.
Possibly having a threesome with my ex boyfriend and his current girlfriend was great closure on that subject
We broke up. And I told him he better give me my fucking star wars movies tomorrow. Priorities.
My fucking earlobe is bruised what the hell
Should I wear my "kiss me I'm highrish" shirt for my drug screen today?
I told the border patrol officer she was smuggling drugs in her ass. I doubt she cheats on me again.
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