Not a fireman, but good enough for last night.
First thing she said after sex was.. are you baptised by chance?
I'm wearing an NBA shooting sleeve while jerking off...and yes my arm has stayed warm
Because when I say 'You shouldn't drink anymore', she hears, 'I personally challenge you to chug 3 more mixed drinks'
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
The arresting officer told me "you probably get this a lot, but you look like anthony kiedis".
Before attempting to fly away into the night you asked me to take care of your sister. I agreed.
If you come home soon there's a stripper in the shower. Don't be alarmed
There were four people in the car. The girls sure know how to blow. I think we almost crashed when the driver climaxed.
A gay dude just spanked me with a nicholas sparks novel and called me foxy. I'm putting this on my resume.
Day 10 and still no sign of rescue in my pants.
Just shaved my crotch so I could call it the bald eagle. Happy 4th.
I'm a lady. Ladies do NOT hump the floor.
Dude, you fell into a tree, and both of the tables, AND the window well... Resilient aren't you?
Okay first of all fuck you and everything you stand for because Taco Bell is amazing.
Randomize
