I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
Playing the biology drinking game in my 8am. Drink everytime he says species or organism. I love st. Patricks day
I woke up this morning and saw that I had transferred $0.75 from my savings account to my checking account.
I just saw a guy in front of the courthouse giving himself a sobriety test and fail it...this can't end well
THEY WONT LEYT ME IN AND I REALLY NEED SOME FRUIT
then she kicked a hole in her own door and the next thing you know, brian's walking up to her room with power tools. in no condition to use them
I don't know what possessed you to do that, but you have to give the stripper more money before you try to check her oil or they are going to throw us out every time you do that.
For only eating leftover pizza for breakfast today, you sure do have a lot to vomit up...
Friends don't let friends put redi whip in their wine
She was doing hand motions and used straws from drinks like those airport light batons to have me back my "747 jumbo dick" towards you.
ill be home in an hour. Be in my bed ready for disappointment
you got into a really intense arguement about protecting bees. it was wierdly arousing.
Oh god he’s a clown I fucked a rodeo clown
I did not marry a roomba.
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