I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
i was like hansel and gretel. i puked a trail from mcdonalds to our place so i could find my way back in the morning
all they had in the fridge was rum and filled water balloons
I was relieved after I found the unopened condom in my pocket. Then I found the open one in the other pocket..
so, give him that "thank you for fighting for my freedom bj" & he wont even remember what you said in that six min voice mail.
My night ended with Em alternately crying and throwing up in the arms of a guy wearing a cutoff and a tiara. I sat holding a garbage can and wine glass full of water wondering how our night got to this point.
Your message cut off at "shit on the floor". Your life is incredible.
You need to fuck him. The man has his own Wikipedia.
Just saw a government minister puke and rally.
30-degree weather + Metal Cockring Monday = really hard to pee.
Nothing says hey I wanna be your friend again like ambushing me with a dick pic
Stop calling my penis "Fat Jesus"
If this gives you any indication of my current state, I stopped at Meijer after work and bought funyuns, pregnancy tests and chocolate.
Stop thinking about me and go on your date... at least I got the glitter off your face first.
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
Randomize
