her nose should be used as a dorsal fin
Last night I ate parmesan cheese straight out of the container while watching Chelsea Lately. Look at what happens to me when you leave.
Every day I regret the life decisions that led me to bank management and NOT being a coke addicted stripper. Every. Single. Day.
They turned motor-boating me into some kind of sick game
The less fucks you give, the more fucks you get. Kinda like "a penny saved is a penny earned" but with vagina.
he kept telling me how much his girlfriend would love me while we were making. why does tequila always do this to me?
I can only send "I want your dick" texts to so many guys before I accidentally over-book myself. I need a day planner.
You said you couldn't look at me because you would have to take off your sunglasses but you can't because they're the "guides to your eyes".
I need a full description of the guy I hooked up with. I don't think I ever saw his face
he seemed brazillian..
fuck.
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
HOW DO YOU FORGET TO FINISH WINE
did i just pee glitter
Imagine how different my life would be if I could find a man who gave me more pleasure than pizza at 2am when I'm drunk.
I am putting clothes on to go find a brownie
In my experiences, brownies are better naked.
He fucked me harder than I've ever been fucked before and afterwards he started crying and profusely apologizing to god and baby Jesus for his sin.
Randomize
