isnt it creepy that our bodies make people
I only make drug deals in a British accent. It's my way of making sure it doesn't get too sketch.
i just walked in on him masterbating..to a picture of me. that definitely has to be true love.
Somehow I feel more guilty using her razor then I do having sex with her boyfriend...
That was a $3000 rug we rolled him down the hill in.
This should be a warning to men everywhere: do not send pictures of your erect penis to women you hardly know - they will add cats and send them to all of their friends.
Oh and someone pissed in my shoes, so I'll let you figure that out.
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
She pretty much spent NYE measuring dicks, trying to decide which one to take home.
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
Well that's disappointing. I guess I'll give a lesson on dick-breaking another time then
Facebook is for cat videos and having better lives than people from high school, period.
Sometimes i wish my vagina automatically turned itself off when i'm legally drunk.
Randomize