she takes plan B like it's going out of style
so we were having anal, both very very drunk when he started shouting his roomates name
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
Just opened a bottle with my rape whistle. At least it's finally getting used for something.
not to mention it took an hour of antique roadshow to calm my dick down
A very small part of me wants you to appreciate me for more than just my breasts. But the rest of me is breasts.
I seriously just found a rose petal in my vagina.
I gotta bail on the cookout tonight. Im at the er getting stitches. Re-enacting porno went horribly wrong.
Apparently I covered myself in sunscreen before I went to bed. Im just assuming that due to the fact I found an empty bottle of sunblock
Also, turning on the light this morning was a 3 step process. Way too hungover.
Ok! I picked up an anti-celebratory bottle of champagne on the way to dinner for her going to rehab. That's how I feel about this...
She's cute. And her snoring noises remind me of the incidental music from Jaws.
Future roommate keeps sending me pictures of cool shit she has for our dorm and I'm just like "... I have a set of Aggie wine glasses a great set of tits."
I mean like, I missed 30 minutes of star wars to fuck you on Christmas so you must be worth something
I JUST AGREED TO GO TO A CHILD'S BIRTHDAY PARTY AT A PLACE CALLED PUZZLE'S FUN DOME WHY DO I HATE MYSELF
Randomize
