Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
Psycho is an understatement. U were running around the house screaming IM UNDER THE IMPERIOUS CURSE
So not only did team sweden fail to particpate in any drinking game but i also found puke in my viking helmet this morning.
Just found bacon bits in my pocket. Blackout buffet is the best.
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
I wish there were birth control emojis
Any time you can't remember a night, and you wake up in a sorority house, it's fucking worth it.
His cat kept scratching my feet while we were having sex. There's only room for one pussy around here. It also concerns me that he owns a cat.
I need to stop getting drunk and telling people it isn't "about them."
No one's ever called me intergalactic cocksucker, before.
What does it say about me that I feel completely charmed right now?
Sometimes I look at her and just start choking. She is that much of an evil entity.
.... I'm on a random couch somewhere in Newark wrapped in a Lightning McQueen blanket
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
I love you man I just want to hold you and fuck you until you only know my name
I don't know who you are but HOW THE FUCK DID YOU GET MY NUMBER
I broke my dick don't ask me how I need help putting in a catheter so I can piss.
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