Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
i wish there was an iPhone app that lets you write a TeXt LiKe tHiS
dude...come out of the closet already
After we finished he asked if I knew if it was a boy or girl. Diet. Starts. Now.
just passed out again, this time at a subway. On a positive not they gave me a free sandwich, pretty sure out pity but at this point i don't care
she tried strangling devon with the garden hose. pretty sure they're broken up
my binge eating and her being stoned all the time has reduced us to a bowl of chinese candies, frozen bacon and a stick of butter, we do however have enough alcohol to start our own liquor store.
I'm drunk in your building find me and we can have sex.
Lost my virginity dressed as catwoman. He was dressed as batman. Glad I waited.
Today I left one job interview, showed up randomly at his house for a midday bootycall then left right after to attend my second job interview. I got both jobs
Sex in the backyard? Check.
Your penis caused this!
Tomorrow I'm going to tape my thumbs to my palms and my biceps to my abdomen to learn what it's like to be a t-rex for a day. Anyone else in?
I kinda just want to steal him and keep him forever
You have such a talent for this
Friendship, or finding weed?
Yes
Randomize
