Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
apparently i'm not the first person wake up and realize she's ugly cuz i tore this house apart and there is no sign of my clothes
I'm sorry to inform you but your friends with benefits card has expired has the beginning of the year. If you wish to renew your card you must submit a picture of a fully erect penis. Please note that not all request for a FWB card is accepted.
when he was about to finish he told me to avert my eyes and keep my lady parts away. chivalry isnt dead.
Hahah fuuuck, bag pipers played around me while I threw up. Literally
She had me dip my balls in cake batter ice cream from cold stone and then tea bag her. Let's get weird just got a whole new meaning.
i'm not even sure i have knees anymore. that awesome.
She said "oh yeah" like Hulk Hogan with the muscle flex and everything. Totally digging this chick
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
Even dream me is a champ at smoking weed
Last night apparently I said "I need a break" and then I just passed the fuck out for 3 hours
my mom just came into my room and handed me a news paper article about women on the verge of a drinking problem... i can already tell its not about to be sunday funday
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
you were making out with a girl because you told her you were part of Nsync
Randomize
