a smallpox vaccine scar is like a lower back tattoo.
Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
bras are like tupperware for tits, keeps em fresh.
basically theres shrimp everywhere. splattered on the walls, in the carpet, its bad. ohh theyre never gonna get the smell out.
Just woke up bloody and clutching a rear view mirror I'm pretty sure is from my car. For those of you keeping score at home this is why I stopped drinking four loko.
She's got a butler. A fucking butler. Shes like batman, but with a better ass.
I recommend we watch the Super Bowl together and have celebratory sex if we win. Good news is I don't have a team I dislike so were guaranteed a win.
Why is the clock ticking so loud? Now I know how Captain Hook feels.
I feel so nauseous and all I want is string cheese. My life never makes sense.
I'm at a new rock bottom. Malibu on ice at work because it's the only thing they've got and no mixers.
Funny how I'm trusting a magic 8 ball I found in the kids toy section to tell me about my sex life
Called Apple, my penis pics are safe.
where are you?
two trains and a bus walk of shame. so not worth it.
I'm always down for nudity.
Nothing says I'm doing some sketchy shit like coming out of your bedroom with your underwear inside out
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