I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
Friday was tragic. I was naked on top of him and he didn't have a condom. Oh and he had an Obama poster on the wall in front of his bed so our president was staring down at me while I was naked. I felt sorta bad.
You should've just screamed yes we can!
You thought last year was bad... a guy dressed as a clown showed up with cocaine
I walked in and saw him spread eagle on the couch beatin it, while he just pet the dog that sat there and stared. mom was pissed
You know when you blow me it's the softest, most amazing feeling ever. Like putting my dick in a silk bag filled with puppy ears.
Favor? Can you not wear as much glitter on your face this time? Walking in the house looking like a disco ball was enough embarrassment for the week 😒
He is into some weird shit i walked in his room last night he was waving his hard dick around hitting shit yellin cock fight
And that's the fourth pair of yoga pants with unwashable stains from you.
I just try to date guys based on what I need like I am trying to find an electrician now
You gays are geniuses
All I've done today is make sangria and wonder what the hell I'm doing with my life.
I know I've become a responsible adult because this time, I'm not going to do the drugs I found on the ground
I finally figured out how to tighten my bra straps and I feel like a god
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
He tried to kiss me in the middle of hooking up... it was a deal breaker. I got off him and left.
So making out with chicks at the bar is fine and dandy, but your booty call can't kiss you? You have the strangest fucking rules...
you came home and ate 12 bananas. you really didnt think mom would know you were high?
Randomize
