so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
My 40 year old neighbors are throwing a party for their eight year old niece's birthday. It's 1am and they're still partying hard. Harder than me. It's Saturday. Just say it, I'm a disgrace to the generation.
Will you please bring me a line of coke at work without asking questions?
I love flavors. My neighbour is owide smoking and so am I. I'm adio boooooored and I need an adult.
So were u tired or drunk when u wrote last night's text message?
pills.
She screams like she's just fallen out of a helicopter when she cums.
I'm at some strange place in what feels like Mexico, high and getting tacos.
After everything you did, you followed it with "Oh God, that's something a high person would do. But I'm not high." So yeah, you're not getting near my stash again.
My ideal friend would be my dog as a drug dealer
There is no sno cone on earth better than alone naked time. Side note: text when you all are headed home.
Dude. Went to buy some jack and sailor Jerry, when the guy at the counter realized it was my birthday everybody in the store including the stoners and the elderly sang to me. Then they gave me shots of moonshine. 21st bday was a success
Did you leave ur panties in the sink?
Kitchen or bathroom?
You threw up in your own shoe then wore it home
You literally chaperoned my booty call.
he really is such a sweet guy. it’s a shame i have to break his heart.
I can see their wedding vows now: 'Til basicness do us part
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