Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
that's why i date skinny girls, they don't realize how small it is.
since we're both too lazy to go to each others house, you drink there, i'll drink here and we'll skype. it's the same thing.
I cant wait for your democrat phase to be over.
I need a $60 an hour job, because I have a $50 an hour drinking habit.
Of course my walk of shame coincided with the alumni marathon on campus. But, I did get a thumbs up from the woman handing out water.
He tried to stick it in and I asked him what he wanted to name our child and he quit.
My mom just called me to tell me that i dont have chlamydia. Awkward.
I met a bunch of Germans and said in german "this is for the fatherland" and poured a beer on my head
THINK! exactly how many raw eggs did you color and hide in my apt.
I'm gonna snort this pill I found on the ground cause that's how classy I am. Watch football and eat Beef jerky. Domesticated at its finest.
There aren't enough words in the English language to fully describe how worried I am for your dick. And the rest of you, I suppose.
I'm not coming to work today because tequila
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
I'm on a party bus with a stripper pole with middle aged women who have all started drinking
God bless your soul.
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