I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
I can't sleep so instead I'm thinking of all the things I would love to do to you right now
That's weird, I usually just count sheep
how should i go about explaining the hickey i drunkenly gave myself last night?
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
Hurry there's a dancing lesbian. She's a jumper and has impeccable jazz hands.
You just kept walking around saying "my brain is soup" then sat on the kitchen counter washing your feet. You bit the guy that tried to help you down
sooo I am sorta kinda using your name as my stripper stage name.
Okay I take that back some girl just said pussy sweat. Get me outta here
I realized after pounding back 151 and head banging into each other to "the drop" of that dub step song, that we weren't meant to have boyfriends at this point in time.
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
It happened to me once. But i washed off in a duck pond and walked home naked.
WHERE THE FUCK'S MY FUCKING RITALIN YOU FUCKING FASCIST?????
Every time our eyes meet, I silently summon him to my vagina.
just because i'm not a monk anymore doesn't mean I need to tell you about my new sex life.
which is fantastic by the way.
We kicked down a door together last night, pretty sure that qualifies us as best friends.
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